your not invisible to me

I was just watching “if you really knew me” which is an amazing tv show on mtv. Every single person that shared a story or a hard time they have been through i just wanted to reach out and give them a huge hug, be there for them, show them all the stuff they have been through is making them stronger. It also made me appreciate how far ive come and made me think of the song “invisible” by disciple. so to all of you out there who have been hurt, picked on, lonely, or through something tough…this song is for you

You’ve got my attention
there’s no need to hurt yourself this way.
You think no one will notice
how you’re feeling when you cry yourself to sleep.
You feel stuck on the outside
looking inside
wishing this life wasn’t your life.
And you think you’re damaged way beyond repair.

Well, you’re not so far that I can’t get to where you are.

You wish you were someone else,
every night you fall to pieces
knowing you can’t save yourself.
I can see you, I can hear you.
There’s a place where the broken go,
there’s a room full of second chances.
You’re not stranded on your own—
you’re not invisible.

im ready to listen
there’s no need to hold it all inside.
The smallest whisper, I hear it,
when your strength has all but died.
I need you to believe Me, can you trust Me,
that what you see is not what I see?
The reflection in the mirror’s telling lies.

‘Cause nothing you have done can change how much I love you.

You wish you were someone else,
every night you fall to pieces,
knowing you can’t save yourself.
I can see you, I can hear you.
There’s a place where the broken go,
there’s a room full of second chances.
You’re not stranded on your own—
you’re not invisible.

(You’re not, you’re not invisible)

I can see you as you’re falling on your knees
you’re not invisible to Me.
You’re not invisible.

You wish you were someone else,
every night you fall to pieces,
knowing you can’t save yourself.
I can see you, I can hear you.
There’s a place where the broken go,
there’s a room full of second chances.
You’re not stranded on your own—
you’re not, you’re not,
you’re not stranded on your own.
You’re not invisible.

You’re not invisible to Me.
You’re not invisible to Me.

*do you know what it feels like to want to surrender*

invisible

Disciple's new album has me completely blown away...my favorite atm is

Invisible

You’ve got my attention
there’s no need to hurt yourself this way.
You think no one will notice
how you’re feeling when you cry yourself to sleep.
You feel stuck on the outside
looking inside
wishing this life wasn’t your life.
And you think you’re damaged way beyond repair.

Well, you’re not so far that I can’t get to where you are.

You wish you were someone else,
every night you fall to pieces
knowing you can’t save yourself.
I can see you, I can hear you.
There’s a place where the broken go,
there’s a room full of second chances.
You’re not stranded on your own--
you’re not invisible.

im ready to listen
there’s no need to hold it all inside.
The smallest whisper, I hear it,
when your strength has all but died.
I need you to believe Me, can you trust Me,
that what you see is not what I see?
The reflection in the mirror’s telling lies.

‘Cause nothing you have done can change how much I love you.

You wish you were someone else,
every night you fall to pieces,
knowing you can’t save yourself.
I can see you, I can hear you.
There’s a place where the broken go,
there’s a room full of second chances.
You’re not stranded on your own--
you’re not invisible.

(You’re not, you’re not invisible)

I can see you as you’re falling on your knees
you’re not invisible to Me.
You’re not invisible.

You wish you were someone else,
every night you fall to pieces,
knowing you can’t save yourself.
I can see you, I can hear you.
There’s a place where the broken go,
there’s a room full of second chances.
You’re not stranded on your own--
you’re not, you’re not,
you’re not stranded on your own.
You’re not invisible.

You’re not invisible to Me.
You’re not invisible to Me.

i think partially because it speaks to me so much like "suicide"- by disciple did. it couldnt have come at a better time, i find myself looking to the past more than i should i have so many more "what ifs" (dear x is SO dead on on how i would like to be thinking) i got what i asked for...but i didnt want it to be a perminant thing...i didnt want to hurt her, i just thought this was best for me...and more so her. i got my cd back...but they also returned almost all of the meaningful thoughtful gifts id ever given her. This hurt. this is the first time ive felt crushed in this whole ordeal, yes i wanted my cd back...but i never thought she would give everything else back. and now they are sitting in a pile in my room. a reminder of how much effort i put into that relationship to have it all just given back in a plastic bag, worthless to her. Her final nail in the coffin, i apologized for saying (out of anger) that i wanted her out of my life when i ment we need a break from each other (which i cleared up the next day), but i guess she couldnt move on past that angry email. couldnt give any forgiveness. and today she verified,with that bag, that it was true...that she wishes she never met me >.>

I guess you have to be carefull what you ask for and how you ask for it. Yes we had our bad moments, but thats any relationship. Yes we both had changed, got jobs, and other responsibilties but hey thats life. I miss having someone to talk to about music, life, or absolutely nothing. she was the person that lead me to Christ, she was the one that was there to help me give up cutting, she was the one who was there both nights i almost ended my life to comfort me. God put her in my life for a reason and even though i dont think it was meant to end it has. And even though she hurt me, and near the end i hurt her...i am glad she was in my life for the short time she was, and saddened by how wrong everything went. i made a promise to her that i wouldnt give up on her...i still havent, but in doing what i thought needed to be done for her(but innitially doing it out of anger) she took it as me breaking that promise. She read that email and 100ft walls went up between her and i, and now shes trapped inside with self hate, no hope and no light to see that they are just holograms. all she has todo is reach out and touch the walls and they will come crumbling down, they are just an illusion her mind has created....an illusion the devil has created.

Im so lost and confused.

*do you know what it feels like to want to surrender*

R.I.P. Joeseph Anderson

Two days ago an 8 year old little boy was reported missing 6 hours after he had left his house. I got a phone call at work wed night with a description of the boy and told to keep an eye out. Immediatly i hung up the phone and prayed. Then last night they had missing signs hanging in the store, i felt it wasnt enough so i printed out extras and hung them on all the registers and handed out fliers to every customer. Throughout the whole night i just had a heavy heart, urges to pray and just talk to God. Call it a gut feeling but i knew, but was just hoping and praying i was wrong. I even prayed later in the night that if he wasnt with us...which really scared me but the words just came out. That is when i knew i had to go search after my shift. I couldnt/ wouldnt be able to sleep knowing he was still lost out there somewhere.

So after 2 days of very little sleep and working 10pm- 6am i went home changed and went up to the meeting spot at at 7 am. Everyone had to sign in, get a wristband, and wait to get on a bus. There were two busses and while most people tried to get on the first one i was one of the first people to go for the second bus, so me and my mom got on the second bus. Team Delton was our name. We headed out on 136 just past a bridge and was told we would be searching there. Just as we spread out and got into the grass i had to pray again( i was kind of upset there was no one leading a prayer before the search groups went out so i felt overly obligated to pray for everyone) i was elected to stay closest to the road in the ditch as others went out further. I took prob 10 steps and the K-9 unit showed up and called to me to tell the leader to come back up to the road. The dogs had a scent. a strong scent. All of the voulenteers met on the bridge and just waited, about 10-15 min later the dog was released and given the scent of the little boy again. They walked prob 100 yards to just near a house and stopped, my heart dropped and several other volunteers just started tearing up and hugging each other, my mom who usually shows no emotion broke down, which led to the first hug ive gotten from my mom in prob 4 years? (last time being my grandmas funeral?) then we talked to a few other searchers and then we all got news we were hoping not to get. the search had been called off. They refused to tell us anything...but we put the puzzle pieces together. the dogs stopped, the police and such went up to where the k-9 car was, then the search was called off. eventually they did tell us they had found him but wouldnt give us anymore info.

So there we were just waiting for the bus, surrounded by strangers all sharing the same shock and sarrow. Once the bus finally came to pick us up we all filed on, even though every seat was full you could have heard a pin drop, and sitting there in silence i broke down, talking to God i got flooded with emotions angry that he wasnt found safe, heart broken for the family, in shock that *I* would have been the one to find him if the dogs hadnt shown up. upset that this lil boy was only a year younger then my little sister. it all just hit too close to home.

When we dropped off all the fireman and policeman at Trinity (my church) a Chief came up to tell us that he was officially deceased and was thanked for coming out and asked not to post anything on facebook until the family could be notified (we of course were the first group to be called off/ notified)

When i got home i immediatly went up stairs and gave my little sister a kiss(she was sleeping) and when she woke up i just gave her a big hug and told her i loved her while trying to stay composed. i just dont know how to process this, you see this kind of thing on tv, missing children, search parties, but never in the little town of reedsburg, not so close to home. never actually INVOLVED or there when the kid was found.

so to anyone who is reading this tell your family you love, hug them, never leave mad, you never know how long you have left w/them. >.<>

*do you know what it feels like to want to surrender*

when i was 18...

i planned on writing a blog on new years eve telling all that had happened over the past year. But something kept me from completing it, it just didn't feel like the right time. Then recently(the thought of a blog had escaped me) a friend of a friend wrote a "when i was 18" note on facebook and the lightbulb went off. I know this year will go down in the history of my life as one of the best not only because i had lots of fun and did lots of new things, but for the first time on my birthday i can look back on the year and look at the positives and overlook the negatives(or even spin them into a positive)and ill actually be a little sad to see its over knowing it wont be topped if even matched for ALONG time if ever SO....

WhEN I WAS 18:

I hung out with Liz for the first time, attended my first college course (history w/liz) and saw my first waterfall all in the same day :D ((alright this was about a month before i was 18...but close enough and VERY huge so its here))

...i was able to leave the house without being afraid of having the cops called

....Went to my first and last school dance, Prom (and wore a dress for the first and last time in high school i was forced to go and to dress up...but it was a good time)

....Walked across the stage at graduation (which was thought to be impossible just a few weeks before due to insomnia/depression issues)

.....Moved out of my parents house and in with 4 friends (Second Chance by shinedown was my song from before i was 18. and needless to say it was blaring on the radio when i pulled out of the driveway)

.....Did the right/ responsible thing and moved BACK into my parents house to save myself from the living situation i was in.

in the process i had a relapse after 7 months...but on July 2nd 2009 was the last relapse.

....I went on my first road trip with liz which was to the fair in wausau where Flyleaf was playing

(also the night i really started thinking about becoming a Christian knowing how much God had been pushing me)

....Went to my first Isaiah 42:10 concert and met my dear friend Abbie for the first time :D (along with the rest of the Isaiah Gang)

....in mid-late august i really opened my heart to Jesus. i was ready to let him in after a day with Liz after we got our AWAKE packages, going to an Isaiah show then spending hours at Ihop in the middle of the night. Twas also the first night i felt i truely belonged somewhere.

.....August 26th. i went to my first ever Tom Stamman meeting which is were i offically accepted Christ. The beginning of my new life :D (and got stalked by a quick trip truck all the way home :p)

....I took a step in my faith and went on a road trip with Isiaih 42:10 WITHOUT Liz, being shy i took lots of walks and was quiet a chimney that day. Isaw my first vow renewal for a couple that had been together for 25 years (it gave me hope for Love and marriage) and in the end i got closure on my past S-I and officially gave that burden to God. i also believe it was the first time God spoke to me...well the first time i understood Him and listened. it was amazing.

this little boy came up to me at the dove ceremony, waited for me to pick him up then just rested his head on my shoulder and quit crying...it made my heart melt

...got a job close to home that i actually liked.

....drove 2 hours to hang out with Abbie for the weekend for the first time (by myself) and had a great time

...celebrated my first TWLOHA day "sober"

....and lastly (for now cuz im having a brain fart) is of course my first Christian concert. Val liz and i met up in the dells and headed for Green Bay,wi. When we got there we were over 3 hours early so we took a walk then sat on the hood of my car just talking (and saying hi to the band memebers that would walk by :D) We then saw satellites and sirens, Decyfer down, and of course DISCIPLE :D :D :D it was a truely changing experience and the car ride home was just as special. Music, talking, crying, and the stars.

(((i will be adding at least a few more memories once i can get on my computer)))

so confused and lost

so lately ive been having a hard time sleeping and i dont like it. Ive been going back and forth in my head for hours about certain situations ive been in in the past and how i wish i knew how to not be the way i am usually when it comes to pleasing other people. i just blogged my guts out in a private blog/journal but im not sure if it helped yet. ive been doubting myself....well not myself but aspects of me and things i do. Which has led me to some scary thoughtsand doubts and feelings of shame just for thinking them and not doing anything about them...yet i have no idea how todo anything about them because i honestly stuck between a rock and a hardplace. i wont win in either scenario because of how i know things will play out *facepalm* all i feel i can do is wait this out...but thats what i have been doing and if i keep doing that im still loosing... i wish i was better at communication without fear of being attacked or belittled for what i have to say...this whole thing would be so much easier. its after 4 am i tried going to bed hours ago and just tossed and turned. hoping my private blog and this will have helped clear my mind enough to get a few hours of sleep before what was supposed to be a good day tomorrow...err today? anyway im going to go sit outside and try to connect again and even if i cant ill just pray knowing that he hears me. then SLEEP hopefully

*do you know what it feels like to want to surrender*

This is so surreal relived

((sorry if this is alot of rambling, its just what my day was like))

So i havent blogged in awhile. im not the best at it but im trying to get better, but today i feel is something to blog about. How one event, one person, or one thing can be connected to how you are the person you are today. What happened today has really made me think about this and how it has happened in my life.

Alright so i woke up this morning from one of those AMAZING dreams where you just wake up smiling and in a good mood. (i havent had one of those in awhile) i then went outside and it was a clear , dare i say, warm day, and i was just hours away from seeing my brother and nephew. Then later on in the evening my sister got a phone call from a little boy who had to be homeschooled because he was picked on so bad at public school. Well he called her to tell her that he has loved her for along time and wants to have her over to play soon (they are ten) My sister automatically got all disgusted and refused to go over or even talk to him again. My dad brought up something that happened to me similiar to this when i was younger. i tried to talk to her and tell her even though she doesnt "like" him she still should call him and let him know that they are just too young to be feeling that way and let him down gently. she refused because he was "different"

This broke my heart and made me start thinking about a similiar situation i went through in second grade. I was close friends with a little boy who was picked on by nearly everyone else, was abused by his dad, and only got to shower and eat at school. Being his only friend that was a girl, and one of the few friends he had, he also told me he loved me but even in second grade i knew that there has to be something wrong if a kid that young is reaching out for love. So of course i stayed friends with him and wouldnt abandon him. His dad then came to school and threatened to kill me if i didnt marry him when i got older. Well after that he was moved out of my class and we slowly drifted apart. which is something ive always wished i could have changed. throughout the years he had many court hearings to get away from his abusive dad and get to a safe loving enviornment, he ran away and everyone pegged him as a problem child. Well if a child is acting out theres a reason, and you would think that people (and the courts) knowing his father abused him they would put him in foster care or something. nope they just let it slide. Well then when he was a freshman (i was a sophmore, he had been held behind in 8th? grade) he was still being tormented by kids at school and ignored by teachers who are supposed to look out for problems at school. He went to school with a gun to get his principle to listen to him and hopefully get something changed.( in no way am i supportive of what he did or trying to make excuses but look what his dad did when we were in second grade...he had been taught to use violence to be heard) His principle tried wrestling him to the ground when he(my old friend) agreed to walk to the principles office and talk things out, which resulted in the gun going off and killing the principle. He was only 14 and was charged as an adult for intentional murder. all this happening just miles from my highschool.

All of this replayed in my head while trying to explain to my sister why you should be nice to people even if they are "different" or "wierd" but i had no support from my parents even knowing what happened when i was younger. but it also made me think about how my life has changed since sept 29 2006.

after the shooting my best friend and his mom decided that he should be homeschooled which led to us slowly growing apart.i went through a huge spat of depression and almost lost my life. after graduation we had a HUGE falling out with my best friend and our friendship was over. which led me to grow closer to an AMAZING person who took me to my first christian concert(flyleaf) got me to go to church and helped lead me to christ by answering any questions i had and explaining lots of things i would have never even thought to ask.

So now ive always said everything happens for a reason but today it actually set in. And even though i dont believe it was in gods plan for the principle to loose his life, through all the sorrow and pain and being in jail my old friend found god and gave his life to christ. which is the silver lining to all of this. knowing that he FINALLY has found true love(in god). and lots of other schools raised awareness and a no tolerance attitude twords bullying and violence in school.

attached is a poem i wrote the night i found out it was my old friend who was the shooter in the weston shootings. titled This is so surreal

This is so surreal
Someone pinch me…
I must be dreaming…
This is just one big nightmare
This must be a joke…
When is someone
Going to pop out and say
GOTCHA!!!
This is so surreal
Who could do that…
Who could push someone that far

Seeing it on the news
Seeing people cry
It must be true
This must have happened
Or how do u describe why
Im feeling this way…
Like there is no hope

This is so surreal
We used to be so close
I knew his secrets
I knew his pain
Then he was dragged away

He didn’t feel like anyone cared
And when none would help him
No one would stick up for him
So He turned to violence to stick up for himself
Since no one was there for him like I was
BACK THEN
This is so surreal
What if I would have been there
Could I have helped?
I don’t know
But now we never will
What’s done is done
There is no turning back now
But the memory will live on
Of this horrible day

*do you know what it feels like to want to surrender*

A two day rollercoaster....glad to be off of it

***sorry if this is jumbled up and not quite melding....im still processing everything***

The past few days have had many emotions either mixed together or one after another.
Last night an old friend of mine(whom ive purposfully distanced myself from) came into the store and as soon as she saw me she shrieked " JENNIFER STRUBEL!!!!" and ran over to me. Then told me to stay right there and that she would be back. (being behind the register i couldnt and didnt want to go anywhere) when she came through my line she seemed so genuinly happy to be seeing me after such a long time. as she was walking out she looked back at me and said a certain phrase we used to always say to each other. then slowly walked out.
At that moment a flood of happiness, sadness, and wondering hit me like a wall of bricks. The what ifs were what hurt the most but i kept reminding myself i was better off with how things turned out, but the battle in my head that somehow if i would have done things differently everything could have been different.
Then when i got to portage i signed onto meebo like i usually do and saw rickys name (my ex best friend) on my msn list (which i rarely use since msn has eben broken long before my computer was) and was kind of shocked. I have gotten so used to the fact that hes not supposed to be apart of my life, but seeing his name just brought back alot of good AND bad memories. Shaking it off i went to facebook,where of course, he had been on and commented on a few peoples statuses right after me. ( he hasnt been on facebook for over 7 months( 2 months before we stopped talking) and that fact put the thoughts into overdrive.
Going to bed last night was difficult, everytime i closed my eyes i would see old pictures of us, or relive the many fun times we all had together. So i turned on some disciple, and just prayed for guidance. WAking up in the morning i felt oddly at ease, i had my amazing nephew in my arms, and a huge smile on my face(even though i got less then 4 hours of sleep.) then i went onto messanger and his name was still there. even though i deleted it the night before, so i messaged him (i had to work up alot of courage to type this, knowing this was the official nail in the coffin so to speak)....i typed " Hey can you please block me/ delete me from your list. i tryed deleting you but it just wouldnt work for some reason" he responded with a few questions and i answered and then after he was done i just said "ok w.e. dont but ill figure out something" and that was the official end. and the shocker...i was OK. not wanting to S.I. not feeling emotional at all. just overwhelm with the sense that it had to be done and things could have never been the way they were and the way they are now. because with him in my life i dont think i could have accepted god into my life. he was a poison of my thoughts and almost my actions.
THEN tonight. on my way home from my brothers house i was thinking of a question to ask of a certain friend in response to an honesty status he posted where he had to answer any question i asked 100% honestly. Well i knew what i wanted to ask i just didnt have the right words to ask it. and on the way home it just clicked and i made a mental note of it. As soon as i got home and saw they were online i emailed the question to them. " what is something(assuming there is a something) that you have wanted/needed to tell me but for some reason havent?" And this persons response i expected to be comical or something off the wall...but it touched my heart so deeply not only because of what was said but because this person was so honest and open evne though i could tell it was difficult for them to share. And after hearing(or is it seeing) what they had been holding in. i felt so much more closer to them then almost anyone else ive ever talked to. AND the happiest i have been in months. (and ive been fairly happy most of the time =]) I just thank god so much for bringing yet another person into my life that i can honestly feel is with me for the long haul. and truely likes me for me.

Looking back on the past few days and all of its events i feel as though god was pushing me to finally release the last demon from that old friendship so i could see fully that everything that happened(and the way it happened) had to happen to make everything i have in my life right now so important and special to me. And even though at times i still have that nagging what if thought i hope i can remember tonights revelation and keep it close to my heart. because if you cant trust god...who can you trust
*do you know what it feels like to want to surrender*