old poetry...same feelings.

Today, after a great day of hanging out with liz and liz, i came home to watch the game and such. A regular night like any other night, until i found an email in my imbox from an old poetry site i used to post on. Well of course i went to read some of the stuff i had written. Most of it was from my deep depression that thankfully i am learning to overcome thanks to my new relationship with god. But i also found a few poems about love. or bad experiences with what i thought was love. Then i found this untitled poem.

I lie awake

staring into space
wondering what you are doing at this very moment
hoping you will talk to me
realizing that you wont
My heart is breaking
into tiny shards of sarrow
wishing to be in the dark again
because i still love you and it kills me
A single tear runs down my cheeck
as i long for true love
from my one true love

And thought it was an all too familiar feeling. i am currently in the middle of a war between my heart and my mind. My mind tells me i shouldnt like this person for several reasons. He is almost 20 years older then me. He IS single but he has three children (one of which is only 6 years younger then me) he has been married so he is a bit jaded, i have been told he isnt a good guy to date because of his attitudes twords women.

Here is another poem that also is a familiar feeling/hope when i think of this person

I wake up
its dark and rainy
i think of you and when we will talk next
The sun begins to break through
I check my messages and here your voice
A huge smile is now on my face
Signin onto msn your name pops up
Im estatic now
The clouds are gone and the sun is shining brightly
we make plans to see each other
Later that day, as i get ready
My stomach begins to churn, my cheeks are rosey
the time has finally come, we are together
Laying under the stars snuggled into your arms
the whole world seems to be ours
I look up at you, you look down at me, and our eyes meet
" i love you" we say to each other
Ever worry within us melts away

But then my heart jumps in...i find myself looking forward to checking my facebook to see if he has commented or posted anything on my page. i find myself thinking about him alot even though i try not to. And even though there is an age difference and he has baggage....baggage isnt always a bad thing. I know he has alot of pain left over from his divorce and past relationships...but so do i, and my heart just wants to reach out to him when he is hurting and take his pain away. When i hear he has had a bad day or has been rejected again. i just want to be there with him to make him feel better about himself. from what i have seen he is a good guy and whoever ends up with him will be very lucky. as long as he is happy and i am at least his friend who he can trust and confide in i will be content because i know god has brought him into my life for a reason and has a plan. what that is i have no idea...but i know theres a reason

Realistically i know i will never end up with him...but i just cant convince my heart of that. no matter how much i try. I am done rambling....back to the war i must go. and one day i hope one side is victorious...so i can move on

*do you know what it feels like to want to surrender*