A two day rollercoaster....glad to be off of it

***sorry if this is jumbled up and not quite melding....im still processing everything***

The past few days have had many emotions either mixed together or one after another.
Last night an old friend of mine(whom ive purposfully distanced myself from) came into the store and as soon as she saw me she shrieked " JENNIFER STRUBEL!!!!" and ran over to me. Then told me to stay right there and that she would be back. (being behind the register i couldnt and didnt want to go anywhere) when she came through my line she seemed so genuinly happy to be seeing me after such a long time. as she was walking out she looked back at me and said a certain phrase we used to always say to each other. then slowly walked out.
At that moment a flood of happiness, sadness, and wondering hit me like a wall of bricks. The what ifs were what hurt the most but i kept reminding myself i was better off with how things turned out, but the battle in my head that somehow if i would have done things differently everything could have been different.
Then when i got to portage i signed onto meebo like i usually do and saw rickys name (my ex best friend) on my msn list (which i rarely use since msn has eben broken long before my computer was) and was kind of shocked. I have gotten so used to the fact that hes not supposed to be apart of my life, but seeing his name just brought back alot of good AND bad memories. Shaking it off i went to facebook,where of course, he had been on and commented on a few peoples statuses right after me. ( he hasnt been on facebook for over 7 months( 2 months before we stopped talking) and that fact put the thoughts into overdrive.
Going to bed last night was difficult, everytime i closed my eyes i would see old pictures of us, or relive the many fun times we all had together. So i turned on some disciple, and just prayed for guidance. WAking up in the morning i felt oddly at ease, i had my amazing nephew in my arms, and a huge smile on my face(even though i got less then 4 hours of sleep.) then i went onto messanger and his name was still there. even though i deleted it the night before, so i messaged him (i had to work up alot of courage to type this, knowing this was the official nail in the coffin so to speak)....i typed " Hey can you please block me/ delete me from your list. i tryed deleting you but it just wouldnt work for some reason" he responded with a few questions and i answered and then after he was done i just said "ok w.e. dont but ill figure out something" and that was the official end. and the shocker...i was OK. not wanting to S.I. not feeling emotional at all. just overwhelm with the sense that it had to be done and things could have never been the way they were and the way they are now. because with him in my life i dont think i could have accepted god into my life. he was a poison of my thoughts and almost my actions.
THEN tonight. on my way home from my brothers house i was thinking of a question to ask of a certain friend in response to an honesty status he posted where he had to answer any question i asked 100% honestly. Well i knew what i wanted to ask i just didnt have the right words to ask it. and on the way home it just clicked and i made a mental note of it. As soon as i got home and saw they were online i emailed the question to them. " what is something(assuming there is a something) that you have wanted/needed to tell me but for some reason havent?" And this persons response i expected to be comical or something off the wall...but it touched my heart so deeply not only because of what was said but because this person was so honest and open evne though i could tell it was difficult for them to share. And after hearing(or is it seeing) what they had been holding in. i felt so much more closer to them then almost anyone else ive ever talked to. AND the happiest i have been in months. (and ive been fairly happy most of the time =]) I just thank god so much for bringing yet another person into my life that i can honestly feel is with me for the long haul. and truely likes me for me.

Looking back on the past few days and all of its events i feel as though god was pushing me to finally release the last demon from that old friendship so i could see fully that everything that happened(and the way it happened) had to happen to make everything i have in my life right now so important and special to me. And even though at times i still have that nagging what if thought i hope i can remember tonights revelation and keep it close to my heart. because if you cant trust god...who can you trust
*do you know what it feels like to want to surrender*