invisible

Disciple's new album has me completely blown away...my favorite atm is

Invisible

You’ve got my attention
there’s no need to hurt yourself this way.
You think no one will notice
how you’re feeling when you cry yourself to sleep.
You feel stuck on the outside
looking inside
wishing this life wasn’t your life.
And you think you’re damaged way beyond repair.

Well, you’re not so far that I can’t get to where you are.

You wish you were someone else,
every night you fall to pieces
knowing you can’t save yourself.
I can see you, I can hear you.
There’s a place where the broken go,
there’s a room full of second chances.
You’re not stranded on your own--
you’re not invisible.

im ready to listen
there’s no need to hold it all inside.
The smallest whisper, I hear it,
when your strength has all but died.
I need you to believe Me, can you trust Me,
that what you see is not what I see?
The reflection in the mirror’s telling lies.

‘Cause nothing you have done can change how much I love you.

You wish you were someone else,
every night you fall to pieces,
knowing you can’t save yourself.
I can see you, I can hear you.
There’s a place where the broken go,
there’s a room full of second chances.
You’re not stranded on your own--
you’re not invisible.

(You’re not, you’re not invisible)

I can see you as you’re falling on your knees
you’re not invisible to Me.
You’re not invisible.

You wish you were someone else,
every night you fall to pieces,
knowing you can’t save yourself.
I can see you, I can hear you.
There’s a place where the broken go,
there’s a room full of second chances.
You’re not stranded on your own--
you’re not, you’re not,
you’re not stranded on your own.
You’re not invisible.

You’re not invisible to Me.
You’re not invisible to Me.

i think partially because it speaks to me so much like "suicide"- by disciple did. it couldnt have come at a better time, i find myself looking to the past more than i should i have so many more "what ifs" (dear x is SO dead on on how i would like to be thinking) i got what i asked for...but i didnt want it to be a perminant thing...i didnt want to hurt her, i just thought this was best for me...and more so her. i got my cd back...but they also returned almost all of the meaningful thoughtful gifts id ever given her. This hurt. this is the first time ive felt crushed in this whole ordeal, yes i wanted my cd back...but i never thought she would give everything else back. and now they are sitting in a pile in my room. a reminder of how much effort i put into that relationship to have it all just given back in a plastic bag, worthless to her. Her final nail in the coffin, i apologized for saying (out of anger) that i wanted her out of my life when i ment we need a break from each other (which i cleared up the next day), but i guess she couldnt move on past that angry email. couldnt give any forgiveness. and today she verified,with that bag, that it was true...that she wishes she never met me >.>

I guess you have to be carefull what you ask for and how you ask for it. Yes we had our bad moments, but thats any relationship. Yes we both had changed, got jobs, and other responsibilties but hey thats life. I miss having someone to talk to about music, life, or absolutely nothing. she was the person that lead me to Christ, she was the one that was there to help me give up cutting, she was the one who was there both nights i almost ended my life to comfort me. God put her in my life for a reason and even though i dont think it was meant to end it has. And even though she hurt me, and near the end i hurt her...i am glad she was in my life for the short time she was, and saddened by how wrong everything went. i made a promise to her that i wouldnt give up on her...i still havent, but in doing what i thought needed to be done for her(but innitially doing it out of anger) she took it as me breaking that promise. She read that email and 100ft walls went up between her and i, and now shes trapped inside with self hate, no hope and no light to see that they are just holograms. all she has todo is reach out and touch the walls and they will come crumbling down, they are just an illusion her mind has created....an illusion the devil has created.

Im so lost and confused.

*do you know what it feels like to want to surrender*

R.I.P. Joeseph Anderson

Two days ago an 8 year old little boy was reported missing 6 hours after he had left his house. I got a phone call at work wed night with a description of the boy and told to keep an eye out. Immediatly i hung up the phone and prayed. Then last night they had missing signs hanging in the store, i felt it wasnt enough so i printed out extras and hung them on all the registers and handed out fliers to every customer. Throughout the whole night i just had a heavy heart, urges to pray and just talk to God. Call it a gut feeling but i knew, but was just hoping and praying i was wrong. I even prayed later in the night that if he wasnt with us...which really scared me but the words just came out. That is when i knew i had to go search after my shift. I couldnt/ wouldnt be able to sleep knowing he was still lost out there somewhere.

So after 2 days of very little sleep and working 10pm- 6am i went home changed and went up to the meeting spot at at 7 am. Everyone had to sign in, get a wristband, and wait to get on a bus. There were two busses and while most people tried to get on the first one i was one of the first people to go for the second bus, so me and my mom got on the second bus. Team Delton was our name. We headed out on 136 just past a bridge and was told we would be searching there. Just as we spread out and got into the grass i had to pray again( i was kind of upset there was no one leading a prayer before the search groups went out so i felt overly obligated to pray for everyone) i was elected to stay closest to the road in the ditch as others went out further. I took prob 10 steps and the K-9 unit showed up and called to me to tell the leader to come back up to the road. The dogs had a scent. a strong scent. All of the voulenteers met on the bridge and just waited, about 10-15 min later the dog was released and given the scent of the little boy again. They walked prob 100 yards to just near a house and stopped, my heart dropped and several other volunteers just started tearing up and hugging each other, my mom who usually shows no emotion broke down, which led to the first hug ive gotten from my mom in prob 4 years? (last time being my grandmas funeral?) then we talked to a few other searchers and then we all got news we were hoping not to get. the search had been called off. They refused to tell us anything...but we put the puzzle pieces together. the dogs stopped, the police and such went up to where the k-9 car was, then the search was called off. eventually they did tell us they had found him but wouldnt give us anymore info.

So there we were just waiting for the bus, surrounded by strangers all sharing the same shock and sarrow. Once the bus finally came to pick us up we all filed on, even though every seat was full you could have heard a pin drop, and sitting there in silence i broke down, talking to God i got flooded with emotions angry that he wasnt found safe, heart broken for the family, in shock that *I* would have been the one to find him if the dogs hadnt shown up. upset that this lil boy was only a year younger then my little sister. it all just hit too close to home.

When we dropped off all the fireman and policeman at Trinity (my church) a Chief came up to tell us that he was officially deceased and was thanked for coming out and asked not to post anything on facebook until the family could be notified (we of course were the first group to be called off/ notified)

When i got home i immediatly went up stairs and gave my little sister a kiss(she was sleeping) and when she woke up i just gave her a big hug and told her i loved her while trying to stay composed. i just dont know how to process this, you see this kind of thing on tv, missing children, search parties, but never in the little town of reedsburg, not so close to home. never actually INVOLVED or there when the kid was found.

so to anyone who is reading this tell your family you love, hug them, never leave mad, you never know how long you have left w/them. >.<>

*do you know what it feels like to want to surrender*