old poetry...same feelings.

Today, after a great day of hanging out with liz and liz, i came home to watch the game and such. A regular night like any other night, until i found an email in my imbox from an old poetry site i used to post on. Well of course i went to read some of the stuff i had written. Most of it was from my deep depression that thankfully i am learning to overcome thanks to my new relationship with god. But i also found a few poems about love. or bad experiences with what i thought was love. Then i found this untitled poem.

I lie awake

staring into space
wondering what you are doing at this very moment
hoping you will talk to me
realizing that you wont
My heart is breaking
into tiny shards of sarrow
wishing to be in the dark again
because i still love you and it kills me
A single tear runs down my cheeck
as i long for true love
from my one true love

And thought it was an all too familiar feeling. i am currently in the middle of a war between my heart and my mind. My mind tells me i shouldnt like this person for several reasons. He is almost 20 years older then me. He IS single but he has three children (one of which is only 6 years younger then me) he has been married so he is a bit jaded, i have been told he isnt a good guy to date because of his attitudes twords women.

Here is another poem that also is a familiar feeling/hope when i think of this person

I wake up
its dark and rainy
i think of you and when we will talk next
The sun begins to break through
I check my messages and here your voice
A huge smile is now on my face
Signin onto msn your name pops up
Im estatic now
The clouds are gone and the sun is shining brightly
we make plans to see each other
Later that day, as i get ready
My stomach begins to churn, my cheeks are rosey
the time has finally come, we are together
Laying under the stars snuggled into your arms
the whole world seems to be ours
I look up at you, you look down at me, and our eyes meet
" i love you" we say to each other
Ever worry within us melts away

But then my heart jumps in...i find myself looking forward to checking my facebook to see if he has commented or posted anything on my page. i find myself thinking about him alot even though i try not to. And even though there is an age difference and he has baggage....baggage isnt always a bad thing. I know he has alot of pain left over from his divorce and past relationships...but so do i, and my heart just wants to reach out to him when he is hurting and take his pain away. When i hear he has had a bad day or has been rejected again. i just want to be there with him to make him feel better about himself. from what i have seen he is a good guy and whoever ends up with him will be very lucky. as long as he is happy and i am at least his friend who he can trust and confide in i will be content because i know god has brought him into my life for a reason and has a plan. what that is i have no idea...but i know theres a reason

Realistically i know i will never end up with him...but i just cant convince my heart of that. no matter how much i try. I am done rambling....back to the war i must go. and one day i hope one side is victorious...so i can move on

*do you know what it feels like to want to surrender*

Best day of my life! (ik ik it sounds corny)

**i apologize in advance, very long and detailed post. i left out a few thigns just to save space but here it is. the best day of my life**

After a night like last night i had no idea what god was trying to tell me. But after today i know he was showing me how strong i truely can be with his help. Afte the first time of truly opening up and and just talking to god, he showed me the reason for all the trials he has put me through. If i didnt have those horrible times it wouldnt make great nights like tonight special.
Waking up this morning i was hopefull that tonight would brighten my spirits. It did so much more. I was content when i woke up to an empty house and a message from liz letting me know she was getting done early. (this was the first sign today was going to be amazing) After showering and waiting for liz to get home, my parents showed up with a package for me. SKILLETS NEW ALBUM HAD ARRIVED!!(sign 2) Thats when the smile i havent had in ages became glued to my face. Pumped, i headed over to liz's with skillet merch in hand.
The drive to liz's was beautiful, i had awake blairing. No worrys in my head(which is rare, especially after last night.) When i got to liz's i hid my shirt from her and calmly st down on her bed (when in actuallity i was screaming and jumping up and down in my head) She turned around and i was holding up her skillet cd shirt and pass. Thankfully as she turned around she had cloed the door because she kind f hunched over screamed and fell back into the door =] It could have killed her but it was the best reaction i could have ever exspected. So naturally we put in th cd and rocked out while we wrapped our heads in ace bandages to imitate te awake album. (the photos were epic that we took.) While we were rocking out to skillet we were waiting to leave to see isaiah 42:10 perform. we were worried about being late but then again we had skillet and knew we would get there for the show no matter what. so we kept rocking.
Once we decided to leave we followed her parents out to the house were they were playing. They took some really strange roads and i began having a mini- panic attack because i wasnt in control and had to trust that they knew were they were going while horrible thoughts of becoming lost and never gettig to see isaiah play. Well after awhile i started to calm down thanks to liz being random and her takign random pics. It tookmy mind off of things. Then we arrived!
We set our stuff by her parents and set out to say hi to everyone and take pics. The beach was beyod beautiful and the people their were all having a great time. On the beach liz and i went to a lil hidden part f the beach past the dock and fund a stick and wrote in the sand. i suggested "skillet" and she wrote "skillet Awake" and then to my suprise she began writing something else. "~jen &liz~ ~friends~" (sign 3) Usually i would be the one who would have to think of something special like that and in that moment i cant compare this friendship with any other friendship ive ever had. this was a friendship sent from god. So after taking pics of the beach we headed back to talk to the band and such.
Shortly after that, the band before isaiah was finishing up and chris decided to play some music. What did he choose? Skillet's comatose. Of course me and liz let out ascream and started headbangng and singing along like any true panhead would. then liz being the craziest panhead began some hardcore heabanging and i captred it with my camera. She was rocking out s hard she even fell over backwords from eing dizzy....did that stop her....i think not! Then it was isaiahs turn to rawk!
They had somesound difficulties and my camera died hortly after tey began playing but it was all good! There wasnt a real stage so we got super close and rawked out like true isaiah 42:10 fans =] There were these two kids who jumped "onstage" and started dancing around. Band members almost tripping over them while dancing *cough* ben*cough* It was adorable. Abbie got some vids which i hope worked out better then CM ones, And we even go ben to wear abbies hat onstage! itwas hillarious. Then ben decided to come out to visit us while he was rapping and singing and such. He even did a dance with us! =P it was sO much fun to be able to be there worshiping god with such a great grop of people.
Once they finished playing we hung around to hear a sneak peak of there new album (flamethrower) and chris gave me a HUGE discount on cd's and a poster. which was amazing. There were spiders everywhere, andof course i was freaking out, but ben and everyone must have been feeling rather adveturous because first ben picked up a twig bug thingy that apparently had pinchers but tickled. then he picked up a HUGE daddy long legs which i ran the opposite way afraid someone was gunna throw one at me. but anyway. After we forgot about the bugs the band began taking down all the stuff and we made our way around talkign to chris, jeff, harley and of course ben. Everyone was in a very silly mood and i learned the oragins of the "pretty abbie" hahahaha. Then everoen gathered in teh darkness to take a group photo. i stood by liz and ben. it was kind of chaotic but i think they turne out decent. or at least i hope they did. They are totally going on my wll either way. Because DUh best night f my life. At this point we were all prtty tired but so hyped up and high on jesus tht we didnt want it to end. So someone suggested we all go to ihop....This is were the night turned from awsome to epically the best night of my life.
Me, liz, brian and kristy arrived at about the same time and i was worried no one else would show up =[ but thankfully shortly after we arrived ben abbie chris and jeff showed up. we all decided o what we wanted and while we waited for the waitress the goofyness continued and liz whipped out a notebok to capture all the quotes and funny lines from the table. Once we allgot our food we said grace...which felt really good. it felt nice to be able to openly thank god fo what i have in my life at that time. it felt like a bigfamily sitting around for a dinner. (the big smile is still pastered on my face) Then we all start eating and tons of laughter and stupid funny quotes followed. Abbie and kristy were beet red by the end of the late night outing and my sides were hurtig from all the laughter.
After we all got our bills payed e all headed outside. i wanted togo over and wish everyone a afe drive so we headed over to abbies car which was next to bens bike( yes he wascrazyand road a bike 40 min home in 50 degree weather) Jeff came over and gave me a hug and said he was glad to see me again and is glad they have anther great fan. Then Ben came over to me gave mea big hug and said "welcome to the group" that was it. that was the Stamp that said " BEST NIGHT EVER!" written all over it. To feel liked and welcomed by such a close knit "family" is such an amazing feeling. God is great in the way he just places people in your life tht help you realize he is here and he loves you. Why else would i be so blessed to have these people in my life. Even though i doubt any of them will read this i just want to say a HUGE thanks to Ben, Liz, abbie, chris, jeff, christy, harley, and sarah even though she wasnt there tonight to be with us. And that you have truely opened my eyes to god and a happiness i have never experianced before. I will do everything in my power to keep this feeling with me at all times. Because now i know if god puts hurdles in my path i can turn to him and these lovely people to help me through.


*do you know what it feels like to want to surrender*

The past...jaded

I lay hear after a very stressful but good night... me and liz had a great night and had a fun little photoshoot. So i came home and decided to try to find some photos i had taken of a sunset and edit them...what i found took me back to hundreds of great memories of friends who no longer exsist in my life.
Dont wake me is playing in my headm triggered extremely and i am in tears. Everything just went so wrong and many hurtful words were exchanged on both parts. Its so sad how one person who lives with you can turn people against each other for no apparant reason. 5+ years of friendship down the tubes because of her.
i miss them so much and feel so powerless in getting them back, but even if somehow we did become friends again it would never be the same "laugh till you cry for no reason" relationship..it would be tainted now. But i would still do anything in my powers to go back and change how everything happened.
God i miss them....their smiles, their jokes, their presence...now i am here alone. all i can do is pray that the lord shows me the reason why this has to be this way. i cant believe this is the best course that could have played out.
*do you know what it feels like to want to surrender*

Isaiah 42:10 nightmare

warning**** tragic and may be triggering

After staying up late last night with liz talking about this weekends concert plans it must have still been on my mind when i went to sleep....here is the dream that made me wake up in tears...title "do you believe in god"

`setting` Isaiah 42:10 concert on 8-18-09 outside, near a body of water

The dream started out a beautiful afternoon. There were familys with huge smiles on their faces hugging their children and enjoying the festivals. I, of course, was going to enjoy the isaiah show with liz like usual. The band had just arrived and started doing soundcheck. Aaron wanted his usual manly guyliner for the show, so liz was kind and did his makeup for him. Happiness is surrounding me and liz and we have the feeling that nothing can go wrong. Ben and chris invited us t come backstage with them and chill before the concert. Of course we were stoked and quickly followed them. Everyone in the band is so nice and funny its a blessing to be in their company. After taking pics and messin around some liz goes off wth some other friends and i stay behind with ben, chris, and aaron. The band is in need of sunblock and water so i offer to drive them to the store and aaron comes to be a stand in body gaurd so we dont get mobbed too horribly.

When we are returning to the venue i notice some strange looking guys just standing around looking from each other, then looking around, then back to meet eyes. (vry creepy) i did not want to drop the guys off rigt infront o those guys because i had a bad feelin about them so i pulled up about 20 feet, parked and got out of the car and started tounload the waater and such. when i returned from putting the water in a cooler i see that the boys had nt gotten ou of the van and there was a little bit of a crowd around th epassanger side. as i get closer i see aaron and chris sneaking out of the driverside passanger door.
This throws me into extreme panic. so i run up to them and ask what is going on. Aaron replys " theres a man with a gun...Ben is still in there! hes trapped!" i begin to freak out but keep my cool as much as possible to save ben. i go around the van to see one of the scary guys pointing a gun at ben. I immidiatly know this could endvery baly and beg the familys to call 9-1-1 and get their children far from the van.
(at this time the dream pans over to liz who is with her best friend) they are talking about how excited they are for the show and cant wait to hang out with the band after the show. (they are in a car driving around the town) when they see cops and ambulances heading twords the festival grounds they decide to followto see what is going on. thankfully the couldnt get through.

(pans very quickly back to ben and jen at the van) The man turns out to be an aithiest who has come to break up the concert and stop them from spreading the love of god. He calmly asks ben if he believes in god. Ben says "yes he is the reason i live." the man got very aggitated after asking him a few more times. he screams " there is no such thing as eternal life, the lord, or heaven and hell.!!!" ben stays calm and starts preaching how god will always love you and he will come into your life at any point in your life even if you have sinned. tears start rolling down my eyes. The man had had enough. ~points the gun directly at ben's hat that has a cross on it~ and yells " DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD??!" ben knowing what is going to happen says a prayer tells me not to be mad at god for this and says " yes the lord is real and his love will never leave me" the man pulls the trigger.
i leap twords ben but it is too late. i lay there holding him as he takes his last breath. i immediatly begin praying to the lord that ben be protected in his afterlife and let his soul live on within us. He had died because he believed in god. when aaron heard the gun shot he came running and tackled the man who murdered ben. there were also 2 other people shot because they refused to say tha they didnt believe in god. andthis whole time i had no idea where liz was, if shewas ok, and didnt know how she would react tothis horrible event on the anniversary of a horrible day in her life. i went running aroudn the park after leaving ben with aaron and chris, and found liz tryign to get through the traffic. she saw i was hsysterical and knew something horrible had happened. i asked her to pray with me. then i just hugged her and quietly told her that ben had served the lord and is now with him for eternity. liz fell to her knees and all i could do was hold her and cry with her.

and thats the horrible nightmare that woke me up in tears.

my first blog

Hello anyone who takes time to read this,
i have been told blogs can be very theraputic and a good way to express feelings. (which is something i need to work on) so i have decided to create this blog. i used to write poetry as my release but stopped after being critiqued about my writin style and such. I have dealt with my emotions in many unhealthy ways and im hoping this blog will help me through that struggle.
Even though i may be only 18 i have been through quite alot of horric/ stressful situations that will live with me for the rest of my life. An just recently i lost the "best" friend i had ever had up till that point. But in actuallity this fight was a bessingin disguise. yes i still miss this friend from time to time but being on my own away from this person has made me more outgoing(ive even gone to two concerts! which would have never happened if i wasnt stepping into my own) this horrible falling out also made me realize, yes even though me and this friend had been through alot of rough times together in the 5 years we were friends, that it was not a healthy relationship. And right beneath my nose was an amazing person i believe was put in my life by god to help me survive...no help me LIVE. and for that i am truely happy.
Recently thanks to this new best friend i have been opening up to god and letting him into my heart. It has been an amazing truely moving experiance and cant wait until the time when i can completely open myself to the lord. She has also introduced me to some amazing christian music that i am completely in love with <3
But i feel like i am rambling... I will be using this blog to reflect on days events, as a dream diary(first one coming soon) and anything else that my wander into my mind. thanks for reading. and if you would like to know anything t all feel fee to ask. Peace