when i was 18...

i planned on writing a blog on new years eve telling all that had happened over the past year. But something kept me from completing it, it just didn't feel like the right time. Then recently(the thought of a blog had escaped me) a friend of a friend wrote a "when i was 18" note on facebook and the lightbulb went off. I know this year will go down in the history of my life as one of the best not only because i had lots of fun and did lots of new things, but for the first time on my birthday i can look back on the year and look at the positives and overlook the negatives(or even spin them into a positive)and ill actually be a little sad to see its over knowing it wont be topped if even matched for ALONG time if ever SO....

WhEN I WAS 18:

I hung out with Liz for the first time, attended my first college course (history w/liz) and saw my first waterfall all in the same day :D ((alright this was about a month before i was 18...but close enough and VERY huge so its here))

...i was able to leave the house without being afraid of having the cops called

....Went to my first and last school dance, Prom (and wore a dress for the first and last time in high school i was forced to go and to dress up...but it was a good time)

....Walked across the stage at graduation (which was thought to be impossible just a few weeks before due to insomnia/depression issues)

.....Moved out of my parents house and in with 4 friends (Second Chance by shinedown was my song from before i was 18. and needless to say it was blaring on the radio when i pulled out of the driveway)

.....Did the right/ responsible thing and moved BACK into my parents house to save myself from the living situation i was in.

in the process i had a relapse after 7 months...but on July 2nd 2009 was the last relapse.

....I went on my first road trip with liz which was to the fair in wausau where Flyleaf was playing

(also the night i really started thinking about becoming a Christian knowing how much God had been pushing me)

....Went to my first Isaiah 42:10 concert and met my dear friend Abbie for the first time :D (along with the rest of the Isaiah Gang)

....in mid-late august i really opened my heart to Jesus. i was ready to let him in after a day with Liz after we got our AWAKE packages, going to an Isaiah show then spending hours at Ihop in the middle of the night. Twas also the first night i felt i truely belonged somewhere.

.....August 26th. i went to my first ever Tom Stamman meeting which is were i offically accepted Christ. The beginning of my new life :D (and got stalked by a quick trip truck all the way home :p)

....I took a step in my faith and went on a road trip with Isiaih 42:10 WITHOUT Liz, being shy i took lots of walks and was quiet a chimney that day. Isaw my first vow renewal for a couple that had been together for 25 years (it gave me hope for Love and marriage) and in the end i got closure on my past S-I and officially gave that burden to God. i also believe it was the first time God spoke to me...well the first time i understood Him and listened. it was amazing.

this little boy came up to me at the dove ceremony, waited for me to pick him up then just rested his head on my shoulder and quit crying...it made my heart melt

...got a job close to home that i actually liked.

....drove 2 hours to hang out with Abbie for the weekend for the first time (by myself) and had a great time

...celebrated my first TWLOHA day "sober"

....and lastly (for now cuz im having a brain fart) is of course my first Christian concert. Val liz and i met up in the dells and headed for Green Bay,wi. When we got there we were over 3 hours early so we took a walk then sat on the hood of my car just talking (and saying hi to the band memebers that would walk by :D) We then saw satellites and sirens, Decyfer down, and of course DISCIPLE :D :D :D it was a truely changing experience and the car ride home was just as special. Music, talking, crying, and the stars.

(((i will be adding at least a few more memories once i can get on my computer)))

so confused and lost

so lately ive been having a hard time sleeping and i dont like it. Ive been going back and forth in my head for hours about certain situations ive been in in the past and how i wish i knew how to not be the way i am usually when it comes to pleasing other people. i just blogged my guts out in a private blog/journal but im not sure if it helped yet. ive been doubting myself....well not myself but aspects of me and things i do. Which has led me to some scary thoughtsand doubts and feelings of shame just for thinking them and not doing anything about them...yet i have no idea how todo anything about them because i honestly stuck between a rock and a hardplace. i wont win in either scenario because of how i know things will play out *facepalm* all i feel i can do is wait this out...but thats what i have been doing and if i keep doing that im still loosing... i wish i was better at communication without fear of being attacked or belittled for what i have to say...this whole thing would be so much easier. its after 4 am i tried going to bed hours ago and just tossed and turned. hoping my private blog and this will have helped clear my mind enough to get a few hours of sleep before what was supposed to be a good day tomorrow...err today? anyway im going to go sit outside and try to connect again and even if i cant ill just pray knowing that he hears me. then SLEEP hopefully

*do you know what it feels like to want to surrender*

This is so surreal relived

((sorry if this is alot of rambling, its just what my day was like))

So i havent blogged in awhile. im not the best at it but im trying to get better, but today i feel is something to blog about. How one event, one person, or one thing can be connected to how you are the person you are today. What happened today has really made me think about this and how it has happened in my life.

Alright so i woke up this morning from one of those AMAZING dreams where you just wake up smiling and in a good mood. (i havent had one of those in awhile) i then went outside and it was a clear , dare i say, warm day, and i was just hours away from seeing my brother and nephew. Then later on in the evening my sister got a phone call from a little boy who had to be homeschooled because he was picked on so bad at public school. Well he called her to tell her that he has loved her for along time and wants to have her over to play soon (they are ten) My sister automatically got all disgusted and refused to go over or even talk to him again. My dad brought up something that happened to me similiar to this when i was younger. i tried to talk to her and tell her even though she doesnt "like" him she still should call him and let him know that they are just too young to be feeling that way and let him down gently. she refused because he was "different"

This broke my heart and made me start thinking about a similiar situation i went through in second grade. I was close friends with a little boy who was picked on by nearly everyone else, was abused by his dad, and only got to shower and eat at school. Being his only friend that was a girl, and one of the few friends he had, he also told me he loved me but even in second grade i knew that there has to be something wrong if a kid that young is reaching out for love. So of course i stayed friends with him and wouldnt abandon him. His dad then came to school and threatened to kill me if i didnt marry him when i got older. Well after that he was moved out of my class and we slowly drifted apart. which is something ive always wished i could have changed. throughout the years he had many court hearings to get away from his abusive dad and get to a safe loving enviornment, he ran away and everyone pegged him as a problem child. Well if a child is acting out theres a reason, and you would think that people (and the courts) knowing his father abused him they would put him in foster care or something. nope they just let it slide. Well then when he was a freshman (i was a sophmore, he had been held behind in 8th? grade) he was still being tormented by kids at school and ignored by teachers who are supposed to look out for problems at school. He went to school with a gun to get his principle to listen to him and hopefully get something changed.( in no way am i supportive of what he did or trying to make excuses but look what his dad did when we were in second grade...he had been taught to use violence to be heard) His principle tried wrestling him to the ground when he(my old friend) agreed to walk to the principles office and talk things out, which resulted in the gun going off and killing the principle. He was only 14 and was charged as an adult for intentional murder. all this happening just miles from my highschool.

All of this replayed in my head while trying to explain to my sister why you should be nice to people even if they are "different" or "wierd" but i had no support from my parents even knowing what happened when i was younger. but it also made me think about how my life has changed since sept 29 2006.

after the shooting my best friend and his mom decided that he should be homeschooled which led to us slowly growing apart.i went through a huge spat of depression and almost lost my life. after graduation we had a HUGE falling out with my best friend and our friendship was over. which led me to grow closer to an AMAZING person who took me to my first christian concert(flyleaf) got me to go to church and helped lead me to christ by answering any questions i had and explaining lots of things i would have never even thought to ask.

So now ive always said everything happens for a reason but today it actually set in. And even though i dont believe it was in gods plan for the principle to loose his life, through all the sorrow and pain and being in jail my old friend found god and gave his life to christ. which is the silver lining to all of this. knowing that he FINALLY has found true love(in god). and lots of other schools raised awareness and a no tolerance attitude twords bullying and violence in school.

attached is a poem i wrote the night i found out it was my old friend who was the shooter in the weston shootings. titled This is so surreal

This is so surreal
Someone pinch me…
I must be dreaming…
This is just one big nightmare
This must be a joke…
When is someone
Going to pop out and say
GOTCHA!!!
This is so surreal
Who could do that…
Who could push someone that far

Seeing it on the news
Seeing people cry
It must be true
This must have happened
Or how do u describe why
Im feeling this way…
Like there is no hope

This is so surreal
We used to be so close
I knew his secrets
I knew his pain
Then he was dragged away

He didn’t feel like anyone cared
And when none would help him
No one would stick up for him
So He turned to violence to stick up for himself
Since no one was there for him like I was
BACK THEN
This is so surreal
What if I would have been there
Could I have helped?
I don’t know
But now we never will
What’s done is done
There is no turning back now
But the memory will live on
Of this horrible day

*do you know what it feels like to want to surrender*

A two day rollercoaster....glad to be off of it

***sorry if this is jumbled up and not quite melding....im still processing everything***

The past few days have had many emotions either mixed together or one after another.
Last night an old friend of mine(whom ive purposfully distanced myself from) came into the store and as soon as she saw me she shrieked " JENNIFER STRUBEL!!!!" and ran over to me. Then told me to stay right there and that she would be back. (being behind the register i couldnt and didnt want to go anywhere) when she came through my line she seemed so genuinly happy to be seeing me after such a long time. as she was walking out she looked back at me and said a certain phrase we used to always say to each other. then slowly walked out.
At that moment a flood of happiness, sadness, and wondering hit me like a wall of bricks. The what ifs were what hurt the most but i kept reminding myself i was better off with how things turned out, but the battle in my head that somehow if i would have done things differently everything could have been different.
Then when i got to portage i signed onto meebo like i usually do and saw rickys name (my ex best friend) on my msn list (which i rarely use since msn has eben broken long before my computer was) and was kind of shocked. I have gotten so used to the fact that hes not supposed to be apart of my life, but seeing his name just brought back alot of good AND bad memories. Shaking it off i went to facebook,where of course, he had been on and commented on a few peoples statuses right after me. ( he hasnt been on facebook for over 7 months( 2 months before we stopped talking) and that fact put the thoughts into overdrive.
Going to bed last night was difficult, everytime i closed my eyes i would see old pictures of us, or relive the many fun times we all had together. So i turned on some disciple, and just prayed for guidance. WAking up in the morning i felt oddly at ease, i had my amazing nephew in my arms, and a huge smile on my face(even though i got less then 4 hours of sleep.) then i went onto messanger and his name was still there. even though i deleted it the night before, so i messaged him (i had to work up alot of courage to type this, knowing this was the official nail in the coffin so to speak)....i typed " Hey can you please block me/ delete me from your list. i tryed deleting you but it just wouldnt work for some reason" he responded with a few questions and i answered and then after he was done i just said "ok w.e. dont but ill figure out something" and that was the official end. and the shocker...i was OK. not wanting to S.I. not feeling emotional at all. just overwhelm with the sense that it had to be done and things could have never been the way they were and the way they are now. because with him in my life i dont think i could have accepted god into my life. he was a poison of my thoughts and almost my actions.
THEN tonight. on my way home from my brothers house i was thinking of a question to ask of a certain friend in response to an honesty status he posted where he had to answer any question i asked 100% honestly. Well i knew what i wanted to ask i just didnt have the right words to ask it. and on the way home it just clicked and i made a mental note of it. As soon as i got home and saw they were online i emailed the question to them. " what is something(assuming there is a something) that you have wanted/needed to tell me but for some reason havent?" And this persons response i expected to be comical or something off the wall...but it touched my heart so deeply not only because of what was said but because this person was so honest and open evne though i could tell it was difficult for them to share. And after hearing(or is it seeing) what they had been holding in. i felt so much more closer to them then almost anyone else ive ever talked to. AND the happiest i have been in months. (and ive been fairly happy most of the time =]) I just thank god so much for bringing yet another person into my life that i can honestly feel is with me for the long haul. and truely likes me for me.

Looking back on the past few days and all of its events i feel as though god was pushing me to finally release the last demon from that old friendship so i could see fully that everything that happened(and the way it happened) had to happen to make everything i have in my life right now so important and special to me. And even though at times i still have that nagging what if thought i hope i can remember tonights revelation and keep it close to my heart. because if you cant trust god...who can you trust
*do you know what it feels like to want to surrender*

God always has a positive answer

Today i got my diagnosis(well at least a pre diagnosis) and it is PCOS. I was woken up at 8:30 to a phonecall from the doctors...let me tell you, not the best way to wake up. So after the phone call i just awake, thinking, and for the first time in awhile, having fears and feeling a slight loss of hope.(which really worried me) So i just sat down and talked it out with god. And i realized this is just a pebble in the road not a mountain. Yes i have a life long disease/syndrom. But theres treatments for it and it doesnt change who i am or how i will go about my life. So then instead of feeling sorry for myself i began praising god that its nothing more serious and that there are treatments. I also know if its in gods will that i have children he will provide.

While reading through a friends blog i found this and it just made my night. after all my doubts and fears it was a nice reminder.

GOD HAS A POSITIVE ANSWER

You say: 'It's impossible'

God says: All things are possible

(Luke 18:27)

You say: 'I'm too tired'

God says: I will give you rest

(Matthew 11:28-30)

You say: 'Nobody really loves me'

God says: I love you

(John 3:16 & John 3:34 )

You say: 'I can't go on'

God says: My grace is sufficient

(II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)

You say: 'I can't figure things out'

God says: I will direct your steps

(Proverbs 3:5-6)

You say: 'I can't do it'

God says: You can do all things

(Philippians 4:13)

You say: 'I'm not able'

God says: I am able

(II Corinthians 9:8)

You say: 'It's not worth it'

God says: It will be worth it

(Roman 8:28 )

You say: 'I can't forgive myself'

God says: I Forgive you

(I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)

You say: 'I can't manage'

God says: I will supply all your needs

(Philippians 4:19)

You say: 'I'm afraid'

God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear

(II Timothy 1:7)

You say: 'I'm always worried and frustrated'

God says: Cast all your cares on ME

(I Peter 5:7)

You say: 'I'm not smart enough'

God says: I give you wisdom

(I Corinthians 1:30)

You say: 'I feel all alone'

God says: I will never leave you or forsake you

(Hebrews 13:5)

I love how people make these and forward them through emails and such but people seldom actually, truly, REALLY believe them. If God says it, He means it because believe me, if He didn't mean it, He wouldn't have said it to begin with. So, REST in Him and take joy in the fact that you are His child and have nothing to really worry about. Have peace and be truly happy! :) ~peace.

*do you know what it feels like to want to surrender*

So much to blog...such a little keyboard

I just got back from visiting an amazing friend who shared her notes with me on her weekend. It's so inspiring to see god work and really show himself like he did with my friend. I have so many thoughts on what she learned and shared with me but since I only have my iPod to type on I must wait till another day. Things to come. God chose you! My weekend. Reflection on music and lots more

This weekend

Tonight after some relaxing alone time with god and reading a friends blog i am feeling very calm and loved. Until about a few weeks ago i had been feeling kind of jealous of one of my very close friends who is going out of town for the weekend. We had made some plans to go to some skillet shows this weekend long ago. but never really made it official, yet in my mind they were set in stone. So when she started talking about going to meet another friend of hers and hanging out with her i realized i wasn't going with her and that she needed to go out on her own because god was calling her to step out of her comfort zone for what HE wants for her. Even though i knew this i was still upset that WE wern't going to be having an epic weekend together.

Then after i had some serious god time, it suddenly dawned on me that this was a GOOD thing for me too. She is going to be having one of the best weekends of her life thus far, and instead of sitting home and feeling sorry for myself like i initially was planning on doing. A certain accordion playing friend of mine told me that *I* cant sit around and do nothing about my life and expect to have a good time. So in an attempt to cheer me up he planned a virtual day at the beach for us to hang out and play in the sand and get "down and dirty" as swamp monsters =P even though its only a virtual thing it just the fact that he would think of that to make me feel better really showed me he cares.

A few days after this convo with "A" friend and i were sitting around bored and decided that we should hang out soon. And being that i didn't want to be home alone this weekend i suggested we get together to hang out. This will be the first time that i will be driving more then 45 min to go see someone EVER and also the first time that we will hang out with just us(which normally i would be freaking out and very nervous) but in the past few months me and "A" friend have gotten very close and have had some very long convos about things i don't talk about with many other people. So i am VERY excited to be spending the weekend with her(which i also haven't done with anyone since my best friend and i had our falling out) and just having some great lounging time.

Since my accordion playing friend and "A" friend have reached out to me like this, and having some very amazing god times and just being reminded by my special friend that you need to be Living not just alive have really had me in a great mood. Every aspect of my life just seems to be better. not that they have changed. *I* have changed, and my outlook on things have changed. i even had the guts to talk to my parents about being baptized and when they criticized me for it. i didn't let it get me down. i just turned to Jesus and knew that it was the right thing to do. Work has even been great. (which has never happened to me) but i shall blog about my whole work experience later. this blog is already WAY to long and full of babble. (sorry to whoever is still reading this =P i owe you a cookie for being so determined to finish reading this)

But i am off to pray for a few friends who are going through rough times. and also pray for my close friend to keep her positive look on life and this weekend. <3

*do you know what it feels like to want to surrender*