This is so surreal relived

((sorry if this is alot of rambling, its just what my day was like))

So i havent blogged in awhile. im not the best at it but im trying to get better, but today i feel is something to blog about. How one event, one person, or one thing can be connected to how you are the person you are today. What happened today has really made me think about this and how it has happened in my life.

Alright so i woke up this morning from one of those AMAZING dreams where you just wake up smiling and in a good mood. (i havent had one of those in awhile) i then went outside and it was a clear , dare i say, warm day, and i was just hours away from seeing my brother and nephew. Then later on in the evening my sister got a phone call from a little boy who had to be homeschooled because he was picked on so bad at public school. Well he called her to tell her that he has loved her for along time and wants to have her over to play soon (they are ten) My sister automatically got all disgusted and refused to go over or even talk to him again. My dad brought up something that happened to me similiar to this when i was younger. i tried to talk to her and tell her even though she doesnt "like" him she still should call him and let him know that they are just too young to be feeling that way and let him down gently. she refused because he was "different"

This broke my heart and made me start thinking about a similiar situation i went through in second grade. I was close friends with a little boy who was picked on by nearly everyone else, was abused by his dad, and only got to shower and eat at school. Being his only friend that was a girl, and one of the few friends he had, he also told me he loved me but even in second grade i knew that there has to be something wrong if a kid that young is reaching out for love. So of course i stayed friends with him and wouldnt abandon him. His dad then came to school and threatened to kill me if i didnt marry him when i got older. Well after that he was moved out of my class and we slowly drifted apart. which is something ive always wished i could have changed. throughout the years he had many court hearings to get away from his abusive dad and get to a safe loving enviornment, he ran away and everyone pegged him as a problem child. Well if a child is acting out theres a reason, and you would think that people (and the courts) knowing his father abused him they would put him in foster care or something. nope they just let it slide. Well then when he was a freshman (i was a sophmore, he had been held behind in 8th? grade) he was still being tormented by kids at school and ignored by teachers who are supposed to look out for problems at school. He went to school with a gun to get his principle to listen to him and hopefully get something changed.( in no way am i supportive of what he did or trying to make excuses but look what his dad did when we were in second grade...he had been taught to use violence to be heard) His principle tried wrestling him to the ground when he(my old friend) agreed to walk to the principles office and talk things out, which resulted in the gun going off and killing the principle. He was only 14 and was charged as an adult for intentional murder. all this happening just miles from my highschool.

All of this replayed in my head while trying to explain to my sister why you should be nice to people even if they are "different" or "wierd" but i had no support from my parents even knowing what happened when i was younger. but it also made me think about how my life has changed since sept 29 2006.

after the shooting my best friend and his mom decided that he should be homeschooled which led to us slowly growing apart.i went through a huge spat of depression and almost lost my life. after graduation we had a HUGE falling out with my best friend and our friendship was over. which led me to grow closer to an AMAZING person who took me to my first christian concert(flyleaf) got me to go to church and helped lead me to christ by answering any questions i had and explaining lots of things i would have never even thought to ask.

So now ive always said everything happens for a reason but today it actually set in. And even though i dont believe it was in gods plan for the principle to loose his life, through all the sorrow and pain and being in jail my old friend found god and gave his life to christ. which is the silver lining to all of this. knowing that he FINALLY has found true love(in god). and lots of other schools raised awareness and a no tolerance attitude twords bullying and violence in school.

attached is a poem i wrote the night i found out it was my old friend who was the shooter in the weston shootings. titled This is so surreal

This is so surreal
Someone pinch me…
I must be dreaming…
This is just one big nightmare
This must be a joke…
When is someone
Going to pop out and say
GOTCHA!!!
This is so surreal
Who could do that…
Who could push someone that far

Seeing it on the news
Seeing people cry
It must be true
This must have happened
Or how do u describe why
Im feeling this way…
Like there is no hope

This is so surreal
We used to be so close
I knew his secrets
I knew his pain
Then he was dragged away

He didn’t feel like anyone cared
And when none would help him
No one would stick up for him
So He turned to violence to stick up for himself
Since no one was there for him like I was
BACK THEN
This is so surreal
What if I would have been there
Could I have helped?
I don’t know
But now we never will
What’s done is done
There is no turning back now
But the memory will live on
Of this horrible day

*do you know what it feels like to want to surrender*